Approaching 40 & never been in a relationship

[Hereforfun113344]

I’ll be 38 this summer. I’ve never been in love. I’ve never been in a relationship. I have minimal experience with dating. I haven’t been on a date in many years. It’s really starting to get to me.

Ever since I could get boners I’ve dreamed of being in a relationship. I understand there’s a lot that goes into being in a relationship. I’m not exactly sexy or hot especially by gay culture standards but I’m not a troll.

As the years pass, I feel more and more that it may never happen for me. I have no sex life either so not even fwb or hook ups. Things fizzled out during Covid, became dry by mid 2021 and have just gotten worse as time goes on.

Lately I’ve found myself so horny, not just physically but mentally and emotionally. Craving contact and intimacy. I find myself envious when I see couples being cute or having fun together.

Can anyone relate? Does anyone have experience with having found a first love at this age or later?

This has affected my self esteem and it’s become something I think about more and more especially when I wake up and before I go to bed.

I’ve spent my life alone and look back on many things having wished I had someone there to celebrate with me, support me, share the experience with me.

I have some fun things I’m looking forward to this summer and I’m going alone. I’ve reached a point where I’m thinking about the desire for companionship constantly. There’s also this odd awareness of the inevitable pending comedown after a nice experience, an awareness of the loneliness I got to forget for a night/ moment/ etc is coming back fast.

If you’re around my age or older, I’d really appreciate hearing from you. I’ll be 38 in July. I’m hiv+. I’m fully vers. 5”10/ 140 lbs and starved for connection.

This year I’ve been so in my head about a lot of things from my looks to my personality to my traumas to my finances. The loneliness is an ache I feel deep inside, craving the sensation of a genuine hug from a caring partner.

I feel sad that I’ve never been in love, have little dating experience and no sex life. While I’m not trying to throw a pity party, I am seeking to hear and connect with others who are in or have been in similar situations. I’d appreciate hearing about other people’s experiences and if others out there feel the same in any way.

 

[theplayerking]

I’m very picky and, despite having a lot of casual sex, didn’t have a relationship until I was in my early 40s. I understand how you feel. It’s best to focus on you: your physical, emotional, and financial health. That way you’ll be ready when the right guy comes along.

I also found that journaling, or at least making lists of what you’re looking for and, more importantly, why you want what you looking for, is very helpful. It’s essentially a form of self therapy, but if you’re brutally honest yourself, it can be helpful. Being truly honest is key, especially if it’s not politically correct and difficult to disclose, even anonymously. This kind of self reflection can help clarify what is really important to you in a relationship and, potentially help you find it.

 

[Boaxy]

If it makes you feel any better, a good huge fraction of Gay men at that age also never been in relationships, and/or had sexual relations with another guy. I'm not 40, but I'm in my 30s so I can relate being somewhat older. I can count on my left hand, and still have all fingers raised before I start counting, the amount of "Boyfriends"/guys I was in bed with. It's not a huge number, if any number, but yeah lol.

In some cultures, it's golden rule and law (celibacy), but I think that's bullshit, because even if a Gay man is openly gay/queer/marching up and down pride parades, yet he's never had a dick in his mouth, or kissed another man or had a boyfriend/partner, that's still not good enough for them, but from what I heard, some parishes/cultures/religions etc. lol, accept gay men into their Coventry/group/congregation as long as they don't marry a man or have sex with a man, so yeah. etc.

But yeah. The gay dating pool is much smaller, and other stigmas/punishments put against us, which aren't even our fault, which makes dating hard etc. so yeah.

 

[Nalyd4Slave]

Sorry to read OP. I can relate. Curious, do you have any feeling that there could be a valid reason that this is happening. Like, something unresolved within yourself or whatever? If you're anything like me, the choice to try and date is technically always there, but something you feel unwilling or unable to do at this particular time.

I'm almost 34, not a virgin, but not had sex in many years and I've never been on a 'romantic' date (unless one lunch with a FWB counts - to me it doesn't) let alone relationship. It's something I've always wanted and been striving towards in my own way. I have a lot of love to give, and actually even though I'm socially pretty reserved, a lot of shyness has always gone away with other gay guys, knowing they at least get that about me.

My main reason has been voluntary - I've always wanted to get into better shape (ie. weight/fat loss) before I date. That's been a very long process for me. Hopefully as of now I'm on the right track with that. I'm eating more now to keep my energy just up enough, not just for fun or 'cause I love food. But anyway, that's definitely a value I have that I've felt unable to compromise on. Of course I want to look in the mirror and see a great body. As soon as I got a job I'd joined the gym. But to be perfectly honest I want to attract as high caliber a guy, physically, as possible, and if you want to attract that it's probably your best bet to try and put that out first, as much as you can anyway.

But besides that, I put it all together too late in life (just late last year) that I've also suffered from a low self-esteem, and an ultimately well-intentioned but less than ideal upbringing that didn't fully prepare me for, well, many aspects of life and really kind of stunted my development on many fronts. I've started working with a hypnotherapist just like a month ago (specifically for self-esteem purposes) and honestly it was something I was mildly curious about but often forgot about for a long time, but I'm so glad I've taken that plunge. I already feel way better about myself.

I've even realized that certain things about myself I thought were 'flaws' were just part of my personality - like, I don't really do chit-chat much. Workmates for instance I'm feeling more and more like the option is there if I want to do it, but I still don't often choose to because like, I see no utility in it. They're often so different from me in like age group or something else etc. And I don't really want anything from them so I just kind of let it go. So I can give that advice - some type of therapy. Hypno has been working well for me so far. Even if your life circumstances don't immediately change as a result, you may become more accepting of them for the time being, and you may learn some useful shit about yourself that you didn't expect .

 

[dana2]

I’ll be 38 this summer. I’ve never been in love. I’ve never been in a relationship. I have minimal experience with dating. I haven’t been on a date in many years. It’s really starting to get to me.

Ever since I could get boners I’ve dreamed of being in a relationship. I understand there’s a lot that goes into being in a relationship. I’m not exactly sexy or hot especially by gay culture standards but I’m not a troll.

As the years pass, I feel more and more that it may never happen for me. I have no sex life either so not even fwb or hook ups. Things fizzled out during Covid, became dry by mid 2021 and have just gotten worse as time goes on.

Lately I’ve found myself so horny, not just physically but mentally and emotionally. Craving contact and intimacy. I find myself envious when I see couples being cute or having fun together.

Can anyone relate? Does anyone have experience with having found a first love at this age or later?

This has affected my self esteem and it’s become something I think about more and more especially when I wake up and before I go to bed.

I’ve spent my life alone and look back on many things having wished I had someone there to celebrate with me, support me, share the experience with me.

I have some fun things I’m looking forward to this summer and I’m going alone. I’ve reached a point where I’m thinking about the desire for companionship constantly. There’s also this odd awareness of the inevitable pending comedown after a nice experience, an awareness of the loneliness I got to forget for a night/ moment/ etc is coming back fast.

If you’re around my age or older, I’d really appreciate hearing from you. I’ll be 38 in July. I’m hiv+. I’m fully vers. 5”10/ 140 lbs and starved for connection.

This year I’ve been so in my head about a lot of things from my looks to my personality to my traumas to my finances. The loneliness is an ache I feel deep inside, craving the sensation of a genuine hug from a caring partner.

I feel sad that I’ve never been in love, have little dating experience and no sex life. While I’m not trying to throw a pity party, I am seeking to hear and connect with others who are in or have been in similar situations. I’d appreciate hearing about other people’s experiences and if others out there feel the same in any way.

Prince charming will not magically appear on your doorstep. You need to act. Sooner than later. Your life is passing by. You say you are "not exactly sexy or hot especially by gay culture standards". There are steps you can take to make yourself more desirable. Take them. If you are overweight, loose weight. Go to the gym and build some muscle. Dress nicely. Do these things. It will help to build up your poor self confidence. Then you must put yourself in situations where you can meet guys. Go out to spaces with lots of gay men. Around me there is a gay hiking group where a bunch of gay gays meet up once a month for a hike in the woods. It's a great chance to meet people and possible future boyfriends.

 

[sen29]

I'm 44 and never been in a relationship or in love or on a date. Just sex.

 

[beepbedeebop]

I’m very picky and, despite having a lot of casual sex, didn’t have a relationship until I was in my early 40s. I understand how you feel. It’s best to focus on you: your physical, emotional, and financial health. That way you’ll be ready when the right guy comes along.

I also found that journaling, or at least making lists of what you’re looking for and, more importantly, why you want what you looking for, is very helpful. It’s essentially a form of self therapy, but if you’re brutally honest yourself, it can be helpful. Being truly honest is key, especially if it’s not politically correct and difficult to disclose, even anonymously. This kind of self reflection can help clarify what is really important to you in a relationship and, potentially help you find it.

'I’m very picky and, despite having a lot of casual sex...' Paradoxical.

 

[dfw051980]

Im 44 and have not been in a serious relationship.
Somedays i could care less about being single and love the bachelor life and just having fun with whoever. Other days it can be rough (im going through a sad rough period now actually ).

Try not to let being single define you. And if it happens it happens but til then just try to enjoy life.

One thing that will help you, at least mentally, in the meantime is to always try to keep up a social life.
And dont let being single stop you from doing things. Go on a dinner date alone or go to the movies alone. Take that vacation alone.

 

[theplayerking]

'I’m very picky and, despite having a lot of casual sex...' Paradoxical.

There are boys you fuck and boys you marry.

 

[Joesdog]

I’ll be 38 this summer. I’ve never been in love. I’ve never been in a relationship. I have minimal experience with dating. I haven’t been on a date in many years. It’s really starting to get to me.

Ever since I could get boners I’ve dreamed of being in a relationship. I understand there’s a lot that goes into being in a relationship. I’m not exactly sexy or hot especially by gay culture standards but I’m not a troll.

As the years pass, I feel more and more that it may never happen for me. I have no sex life either so not even fwb or hook ups. Things fizzled out during Covid, became dry by mid 2021 and have just gotten worse as time goes on.

Lately I’ve found myself so horny, not just physically but mentally and emotionally. Craving contact and intimacy. I find myself envious when I see couples being cute or having fun together.

Can anyone relate? Does anyone have experience with having found a first love at this age or later?

This has affected my self esteem and it’s become something I think about more and more especially when I wake up and before I go to bed.

I’ve spent my life alone and look back on many things having wished I had someone there to celebrate with me, support me, share the experience with me.

I have some fun things I’m looking forward to this summer and I’m going alone. I’ve reached a point where I’m thinking about the desire for companionship constantly. There’s also this odd awareness of the inevitable pending comedown after a nice experience, an awareness of the loneliness I got to forget for a night/ moment/ etc is coming back fast.

If you’re around my age or older, I’d really appreciate hearing from you. I’ll be 38 in July. I’m hiv+. I’m fully vers. 5”10/ 140 lbs and starved for connection.

This year I’ve been so in my head about a lot of things from my looks to my personality to my traumas to my finances. The loneliness is an ache I feel deep inside, craving the sensation of a genuine hug from a caring partner.

I feel sad that I’ve never been in love, have little dating experience and no sex life. While I’m not trying to throw a pity party, I am seeking to hear and connect with others who are in or have been in similar situations. I’d appreciate hearing about other people’s experiences and if others out there feel the same in any way.

Rough situation. I understand it well... I'm sixty, and I've been in two relationships in my entire life, not including FWB and the like. One of those was a disaster and we won't talk about it. The other is with my current roomie, whom I have been involved with for 30+ years. We are currently not boyfriends, but just really good friends who live together platonically. I am essentially single with a roommate. And that sense of loneliness and lack of sex is here with me, though I share the house I live in.
One of the observations I would make about relationships is that they are a lot of work. You have to account to someone else for your whereabouts all the time, and you have to concern yourself with their needs at the same level as you're concerned with your own needs. It's a lot of responsibility, and for some people it's not a big thing, for others it's quite wearing. For myself, I like a FWB kind of situation the most, and I'd kind of like to do something like that again soon.
I hope that you get the opportunity to be involved in a real relationship soon so you can decide what you like best. Just remember that changing into someone who doesn't live a single life takes some time, so be patient with yourself while you make the change.

 

[Cum_is_Great]

Same here. Never a relationship. Never a loving kiss. Barely even have sex. my first time was 7 or so years ago. Been over a year since I had sex.

But like you, I know what I am and why I haven't. I do regret "wasting my youth".

 

[Berlinberlin90]

ㄴ나는 동양인이고 30대 중반입니다. 나는 hiv 양성이고 그 이후로 연예 및 관계를 맺는 것을 포기했습니다. 거주지는 베를린 입니다. 누구도 hiv에 걸린 키 작은 동양인을 사랑해 줄 사람은 없다고 생각하거든요. 그래서 저는 그냥 포르노랑 살기로 했습니다. 사랑 받지 못할 것이 뻔한데 사랑을 원하는 것은 스스로를 고문하고 고통스러운 삶으로 만드니깐요.

 

[baxi777]

I’ll be 38 this summer. I’ve never been in love. I’ve never been in a relationship. I have minimal experience with dating. I haven’t been on a date in many years. It’s really starting to get to me.

Ever since I could get boners I’ve dreamed of being in a relationship. I understand there’s a lot that goes into being in a relationship. I’m not exactly sexy or hot especially by gay culture standards but I’m not a troll.

As the years pass, I feel more and more that it may never happen for me. I have no sex life either so not even fwb or hook ups. Things fizzled out during Covid, became dry by mid 2021 and have just gotten worse as time goes on.

Lately I’ve found myself so horny, not just physically but mentally and emotionally. Craving contact and intimacy. I find myself envious when I see couples being cute or having fun together.

Can anyone relate? Does anyone have experience with having found a first love at this age or later?

This has affected my self esteem and it’s become something I think about more and more especially when I wake up and before I go to bed.

I’ve spent my life alone and look back on many things having wished I had someone there to celebrate with me, support me, share the experience with me.

I have some fun things I’m looking forward to this summer and I’m going alone. I’ve reached a point where I’m thinking about the desire for companionship constantly. There’s also this odd awareness of the inevitable pending comedown after a nice experience, an awareness of the loneliness I got to forget for a night/ moment/ etc is coming back fast.

If you’re around my age or older, I’d really appreciate hearing from you. I’ll be 38 in July. I’m hiv+. I’m fully vers. 5”10/ 140 lbs and starved for connection.

This year I’ve been so in my head about a lot of things from my looks to my personality to my traumas to my finances. The loneliness is an ache I feel deep inside, craving the sensation of a genuine hug from a caring partner.

I feel sad that I’ve never been in love, have little dating experience and no sex life. While I’m not trying to throw a pity party, I am seeking to hear and connect with others who are in or have been in similar situations. I’d appreciate hearing about other people’s experiences and if others out there feel the same in any way.

Message me I am a really genuine guy and would love a relationship or close friendship

 

[BIGBULL29]

Im 44 and have not been in a serious relationship.
Somedays i could care less about being single and love the bachelor life and just having fun with whoever. Other days it can be rough (im going through a sad rough period now actually ).

Try not to let being single define you. And if it happens it happens but til then just try to enjoy life.

One thing that will help you, at least mentally, in the meantime is to always try to keep up a social life.
And dont let being single stop you from doing things. Go on a dinner date alone or go to the movies alone. Take that vacation alone.

In the end, we're alone anyways.

Learn to become best friends with yourself.

I like to travel the world alone.

 

[dfw051980]

In the end, we're alone anyways.

Learn to become best friends with yourself.

I like to travel the world alone.

I agree but theres still nothing wrong with wanting to have someone for some one one-on-one intimacy and closeness. Feeling isolated without personal connection is can be rough regardless if its by choice or not.

 

[BIGBULL29]

I agree but theres still nothing wrong with wanting to have someone for some one one-on-one intimacy and closeness. Feeling isolated without personal connection is can be rough regardless if its by choice or not.

I understand, and I agree.

If you need a bud to touch or kiss once in a while, that's fine.

 

[chrisrobin]

Dont beat yourself up about it.
While there are large number of committed male relationships there are as many failed ones, and ones that just stagger on because its the easy option.
My first "love" ended as the love was very one-sided and I was a convenient fixture.
Second time round I thought it was the one and invested in it but that slipped down the pan because he found out that not living at home anymore the world could become his oyster - and did.
Three, well that was a long time affair, two properties toeher, joint friends and it all looked like perfection till a work away from home involved staying at a gay boarding house and visiting the gay sauna - he fell in love with a big cock.
So since then my life has been for me, trust is hard to come by and while it would be amazing to come home to the husband, make joint decisions etc being no ones own has so many compensations, not least is knowing that you'll never be let down again.

 

[38long]

I feel sad that I’ve never been in love, have little dating experience and no sex life. While I’m not trying to throw a pity party, I am seeking to hear and connect with others who are in or have been in similar situations. I’d appreciate hearing about other people’s experiences and if others out there feel the same in any way.

I don't want to sound like a cad or something, but what I perceive on your message as a whole is that you are in need of professional help too. I mean, to take care of your mind and head, and maybe find triggers that will allow you to find the threads knotted in that wool ball through therapy. Here, you may find some like-minded people, maybe with similar problems, then ... what? We can't quite solve this problem to you, you see. Regardless our time here reading and replying to you, there's not much else we can do to you meaningfully. This is something you must do on your end, in your reality. We are a bunch of strangers from many different cultures. Bad advices might also occur, so you're at a risk.

I'm 42, I have my therapy session every Thursday, and despite having had relationships throughout my life, they were really few and sparse in between, and then the occasional sex. My last partner has moved to another country around 4 years ago, and since then, I'm alone. I'm not in a fuss about it, mostly because I was always chilled out about sex, not really worried about making numbers, and very wary of nutjobs. But being alone, and I've come to acknowledge that, has its toll. However, I don't envy other couples. I admire them. Their choices are not related to mine, they had the guts or the right situation to be together, and if I'm alone until now, it's more like my lack of action and I must understand that other people has nothing to do with that. Envy is a bad feeling. Try to transform it into something more positive. Maybe I'm still resistant to having someone I have to give satisfaction every now and then, or build something together – maybe I'm phrasing wrong, hm, like ... we borrow and lend parts of our lives and of those we are together with, and giving ourselves away like that demands some braveness, if that makes sense to you. It also demands some humility.

Another thing. You said you are HIV+, that you are 5'11" tall and 140 pounds. You are skinny, below the average weight at least, and I'm not sure of how your demeanor looks under these circumstances, but trying to look and transpire a bit more of healthiness might help. However, people might perceive you as someone who doesn't take care of yourself. If you don't seem like you can't love the person you need the most, YOU, you don't seem fit to take care of another, and it will close some doors. Take notice that this is a speculation from my part. I'm mainly working with the numbers you gave me and few other information. I can be completely off here.

I will not say that you are late or early, or anything. Time will pass by either way. It's not an absolute law in our life to have a relationship. Some people choose it. But if you truly want it, start by having a healthy relationship with yourself, then give few, SURE steps forward from there.