This Time Together

[bifurcation]

Todd sat down with a flop next to me. He smelled like whatever that detergent was he always used. I felt my pulse quicken like it had a thousand times when he was this close. Tingle in my scalp. My stomach tightened a little.


"Thanks for making this happen," he said with a sigh, easing back into the overstuffed couch. "It's good to finally be away."


"Yeah, I know," I said, trying to mimic his relaxation, even though I felt like I was twitching with electricity with every inhale.


The cabin was warm, as dusk settled over the wide fields and distant trees outside the large windows on either side of the fireplace.


"You...you want a fire?" I asked, trying to find anything to fixate on other than how close his thigh was to mine. There were chairs flanking the couch. Why was he sitting right here?


"Absolutely," he said. "You any good at that? I feel like every time I try, I spend an hour just fighting for a single flame."


"Yeah," I said with a smile.


Letting my lips free like that felt risky--like I was smiling too much. Did he notice? Of course not. Calm down.


I stood up with a bounce in my best effort at conveying a nonchalance I certainly didn't feel. I pulled aside the grate over the broad stone fireplace and started grabbing twigs and pieces of bark from the woodpile nearby.


"You...you just gotta start with things that are small enough to catch quickly, give them space to breathe and then move to, uh, bigger and bigger pieces until you get to the split logs so that by then there's a nice solid core of coals. Don't crowd or try to rush. Let air circulate but not so much that you can't get the critical mass of heat. I guess."


I had my back to him while I was crouched and arranging everything. When I turned to grab a bit of newspaper and matches to get things started, I realized he was staring at me with a smirk.


"What?" I asked, suddenly feeling a bit self conscious.


"Nothing," he said with a toothier smile. "You're just cute when you go into information mode."


What the fuck did he just say?


I couldn't hold eye contact. My face was so hot it could have lit the fire for me. So I just kind of chuckled and shrugged while I fumbled with the matches. I struck a couple, which was more than I needed to because the first one did the job. But I couldn't think of what to say or do exactly, so something intentional like adding more matches just kept me busy for a second. The paper went up quickly and started curling the tips of twigs as things grew steadily. Adding more matches would start to look silly. So I stood back up.


I almost went for a chair instead of returning to my spot beside Todd--just out of instinct. A little extra space was my default. The best way to make sure no one thought too much. Or noticed if I did.


Todd patted the couch cushion exaggeratedly.


"Come enjoy a job well done," he exclaimed warmly. "Look at it go."


Now I really couldn't sit anywhere else. That'd just be too obvious and probably insulting. So I sat back where I had been, taking in the blazing results of my accurate efforts.


What am I supposed to do with my arms?


I just kind of let them rest at my sides.


"Ok, now let me do what I know how to do," said Todd, bounding up off the couch as well and strolling over to the broad countertop behind us. I heard glasses clink and the thick pop of a stopper coming out of the top of a bottle.


"Mm, I know that sound," I said, trying to seem as comfortable and free as Todd always was. "What'd you do?"


"I know what I'm doing, man," laughed Todd. "I bought this the day you first asked me about this weekend. Glenlivet...eighteen it says? Eighteen years old I guess? Is that good? Ok, maybe I don't know what I'm doing."


He laughed as I heard the glugs filling the glasses.


"Is that good?" he asked again, his hand appearing over my shoulder with a half-full glass of dark brown scotch.


"That...is a lot," I laughed. "But, yeah it's good."


"But not your favorite," he added. "I can already tell."


"No, no--Glenlivet is great," I said quickly, taking a deep sip.--


"Yeah but when you're really into something...I can tell the difference."


Todd eased himself down carefully with his own glass. Somehow, he was sitting even closer. Our legs were softly touching now. I took another long full sip and then a slow breath.


"Thanks," I said. "It's genuinely really good. And not cheap."


"Gotta try my best! You're hard to satisfy."


He smiled as he sipped.


"Ok, yeah that is good," he said. "I did a good job. Maybe this is my favorite."


I laughed. I smiled. It lingered. He smiled as he drank. He closed his eyes for a moment to savor. We sat silently. We could do that. We did that all the time. Quiet or not, sharing or not, just together. Why did this, here, feel like...so much?


Twenty minutes later, our glasses were empty and my head felt spacious and light. I couldn't even tell if I was smiling for real anymore or if it was just my insides. Warm. Calm. But not detached or lost. Very, very present. The fire popped, bouncing sparks off the grate.


"Another?" asked Todd, waving his glass gently.


"In a little bit I think," I said. "This night will wrap up really quickly if I do that again too soon."


"Good point," sighed Todd, still smiling though. "Don't want that. The whole point was to enjoy the time, not forget it."


Silence again. We sat. We watched the flames.


"So what do you normally do up here?" he asked. "When it's just you, I mean. I know how much this place means to you. Just wondering how you do it right."


"I mean, truly whatever," I said with a shrug. "That's the appeal. Literally nothing demanding anything of anyone out here. You can just kind of...be here. Follow your impulses. Or not--it doesn't matter."


"So in other words, eat, drink, and jerk off?" laughed Todd.


"Exactly," I laughed back. I mean, he wasn't wrong actually. But I felt a rush, even through the buzz of scotch. Like he found me out.


"Sounds good to me," said Todd, setting his empty glass aside and stretching his arms widely overhead. His shirt lifted enough to see the shadow of dark hair below his belly button on his flat, tight stomach.


It took a second to realize I'd stopped breathing. When he leaned back again, that brief glimpse of skin and hair disappeared. I blinked hard and looked away. Did he notice?


"Ok, so that's one outta three down," he said, reaching over and gently turning his empty glass.


"Yeah, we're doing well," I said with a smile, but I felt tense and hot.


"So what's left?" he said with raised eyebrows and a mischievous look. "Eating or jerking off?"


I laughed. I shook my head and looked away. I should have said something but I literally forgot what words were for a minute.


"I--I mean we can eat if you want," I said after a beat, sidestepping the more obvious line of his joke. It was a joke, right?


"Boo...." he said, with his exaggerated thumbs-down waving it at me.


I laughed again, but it felt hollow. My face was so warm and I felt my fingers shaking.


"I'm kidding man," he laughed, seeing through my obviously failing attempts at coping. "Nah, I'm not hungry."


That only kind of defused the steadily tightening knot in my stomach.


"I mean I could jerk off, don't get me wrong," he laughed, leaning back against the couch harder. His legs widened and pressed against me more. "But that's almost always true."


I just smiled and breathed shakily through my nose. Couldn't even fake a laugh. I felt him looking at me. I couldn't look back.


"Too much?" he asked quietly. I finally looked over at him. His eyes were softer, his smile tighter. Suddenly he looked uncomfortable.


"Oh, shit, no, sorry man," I said quickly. "It's fine. I'm--it wasn't."


Todd raised his hand calmly to stop me.


"It's ok," he said. "Sometimes I can be a little too--"


"No, seriously--" I interrupted. "I didn't even..."


We both just stopped and sat quietly, our eyes bouncing to and from each other.


"Sorry," I finally said. "I get...sometimes I get a little weird with...talking about stuff like that. I've gotten a lot better as an adult, don't get me wrong. But...still always kind of have a bit of a hurdle in my head I have to get over."


"Yeah, I know," said Todd, nodding softly. "I've noticed."


"Cool," I said sarcastically, looking down.


"No, I just mean I know you've got some reservations sometimes," said Todd quickly. "It's ok. Most people do, too. I guess I just didn't grow up with that as much. It's not a big deal. We all have our stuff. That's just yours. I've got plenty I'm sure."


"Yeah, I guess so," I said quietly. A nothing response to just try to even out my heartbeat.


Quiet again for a bit. The fire was getting dim now.


"I should...uh...I should get this," I said as I got up off the couch to move toward the fire. I felt my thumb trembling a little as I tried to slide the grate over. My hand felt weak, but eventually I found the fire poker and was able to use the firm leverage to steady myself as I moved logs around and grabbed a few more. I stood up slowly once the fire was raging. I turned around. Todd was just watching me again. He wasn't smiling, but he was just kind of...looking. And he didn't break away when I saw him looking.


I tugged on my shirt a bit to straighten it out. It had ridden up a little in my squatting and fussing with the fire. He just watched, and I saw his eyes glance over me from socks to face. And he saw me see him do it. He smiled, closed his eyes, and settled into the couch more deeply. I paused. I looked at him as he just relaxed with his eyes still shut, gently resting.


His face was stubbly as always. His dark hair was thick and cascaded to the side slightly--that disheveled and yet somehow flowing, effortlessly elegant way it always fell. I'd given up my disappearing hair a long time ago and resigned myself to embracing a shaved, bald dome. I pulled it off ok, I liked to think, and at least I had a formidable beard to take pride in instead. Todd's lean, solid frame filled out his t-shirt snuggly in a way that I always clocked. Couldn't not notice. It was one of the first things I ever noticed about him. If I was honest, it had motivated me to get my shit together years ago and reshape my whole body to a similar state. But I still felt like a chubby sidekick most of the time, at least on the inside. He never treated me like that, though.


Right.


I let that sink in.


He never treated me like that.


I sat back down beside him and he opened his eyes, looking happy to have me back next to him.


"Can I ask you something?"


I heard it come out of my mouth. I barely realized what I was doing.


"What do you think?" laughed Todd lazily. "Always."


Well, shit. Now I really had to follow that up with a question.


"How are you...so at ease all the time?" I asked haltingly.


"I'm not at ease all the time," scoffed Todd, shaking his head at the absurdity of the idea.


"I've never seen you--"


"That's because we're together for that," interrupted Todd. "I'm at ease with you. Doesn't mean I don't get uncomfortable or have a hard time doing or being what I want."


"Right, ok," I said quietly, not really able to fully wrap my head around what he was saying. He could tell.


"Look, with other people, I don't know what they're going to think or say or how they're going to react to things sometimes, so I hold back some of myself to just get by," said Todd, leaning over toward me. His hand suddenly found my shoulder. "It's different with you because you only ever accept and support me. Like every fucking time. So I don't worry."


His hand was still there. It felt like a long time. I looked at him and smiled and nodded.


"I know that you're the same thing for me," I said. "Like in my head, I know that there's nothing that's going to suddenly derail our friendship. Not at this point. But sometimes...I feel...I don't know, like I need to hide some of myself just in case."


"With me? Still?" he asked, his head tilting to the side as his hand finally left my shoulder. I felt it go and I wished it was back.


"Maybe a little," I said, looking away.


"Like what?" he insisted, leaning over and grabbing my arm playfully. "Let's smash that whole thing right now, man."


"I don't know," I laughed uncomfortably. "I don't even know what I'm talking about."


"Yeah, you do," he said, pressing against me with his shoulder. I'd barely noticed how close to me he'd gotten. "Come on."


I took a deep breath. He watched me do it. I took another and his playfulness softened into something else. Space and patience.


"Sometimes," I started, feeling my throat tightening at the mere thought that I was saying this out loud. "Sometimes I feel kind of...overwhelmed..."


"By me?" asked Todd softly. He seemed worried.


"Not because you're too much," I said quickly. "Because I'm...I've just got a lot of...when we're together and close and connected, sometimes it's like...there's this part of me that wants it to...keep going."


"Keep going," he repeated. "You mean like..."


"I don't know," I interrupted before he could finish. "It's... it's all just kind of a jumble of thoughts and feelings and fan--"


I cut myself off.


"Fantasies?" he finished. "Like about me?"


I couldn't answer. I couldn't say no. That wasn't true. I couldn't say yes. That was too much.


"Hey," he said calmly, his hand on my forearm. "It's ok, man. I'm here. Look at me."


I looked up. My eyes stung. His were full, glistening in the firelight.


"This...this friendship is different," he said finally. "It's not like...it's not like anything else I've ever had."


"Yeah, same," I said weakly.


"And the idea that there's not going to be space for this," he continued, shaking his head. "No way. There's space for all of it. Every bit of us. That's the deal."


I nodded. I didn't know what else to do.


"I'm ok," he said. "Tell me. Come on."


I breathed slowly.


"Ok well," I started, "first...I guess...I mean, it goes without saying that...like...you're a really...just...objectively attractive person, right?"


"Yeah?" he laughed a little with a wide smile. But he wasn't mocking me.


"Um," I said nervously, smiling back a little. "Yeah, definitely. So, like, that's a thing."


"Thanks," he said, still smiling.


"Y-yeah," I answered back, not able to hold his intense gaze. "So there's that. So that's...that's part of it. It's just right there all the time. Seeing someone attractive all the time is gonna eventually have an effect."


"You're saying that as if you're the only one having that experience," said Todd.


"I know other people probably have that with you too," I said with a shrug.


"No," he said, leaning into me more. "You don't think it's possible that people are having that experience with you."


I didn't know what to say. I just sat for a second, kind of stunned.


"You don't think you're attractive?" he asked.


"I mean I guess there are people--"


"To me, I mean," interrupted Todd, looking me full in the face.


Well. Shit. That short circuited my brain for a moment.


"I--I mean I guess once in a while I've wondered if..." I started.


He just shook his head.


"You're living in a completely different world sometimes, man," he laughed.


"Yeah, I guess so," I laughed back, but I felt like I could barely move.


"Ok keep going, though," he insisted. "This isn't even the main point. Tell me about these other things...the feelings and ideas."


"Being together. S--seeing each other," I said hesitantly. "Like really...fully...seeing. And...enjoying...and...kind of..."


"Touching?" he asked. "Like intimately?"


I just nodded quickly.


"And so my jerking off joke..." he started thoughtfully.


"It's fine," I said quickly.


"Too close to home," he corrected.


"I guess," I said timidly. "Yeah, I guess maybe a little bit."


"Is that one of the fantasies?" he asked plainly, giving no hint that he was uncomfortable with the idea.


"I don't know," I lied. Of course it was. He knew it too.


"Like watching me? Or me watching you? Or together? What?"


I felt like I'd had three more glasses of scotch suddenly. My head felt light and like the air was vibrating.


"Uh, yeah, all of that...but mainly...together, I guess," I said hoarsely.


He just nodded and looked off at the fire for a moment. I couldn't say anything. Couldn't think of anything.


"Have you ever?" he finally asked, quietly, gently, like he didn't want to disturb me. "With anyone?"


I shook my head. I couldn't meet his gaze, but I could feel it fixed on me out of the corner of my eye. The fire hissed and crackled.


"Hey."


I finally looked over. He was just watching me. Kindly.


"I'm really glad you told me," he said emphatically. His leg bumped against mine. His shoulder pressed into me. His hand found my wrist and just held it for a moment. I looked down, kind of stunned.


"Yeah, well...yeah," was all I could say.


His hand slid over mine and pushed into my palm. He held my hand tightly and I stared at our suddenly interlocking fingers. The veins in his forearm mapped across his skin and under his soft, dark arm hair. His long, strong fingers wedged between my own and gripped tightly. I let myself just hold for a moment and breathed shakily. I looked up and he was still just watching me.


"Is this ok?" he asked.


"Um...yeah, of course," I mouthed, but the sound barely came out.


"You sure?"


I nodded, maybe too emphatically. He squeezed my hand and smiled. Suddenly his head bent over slowly and rested on my shoulder. I sighed heavily. He chuckled.


"You're so funny," he said softly, still holding my hand tightly.


"Am I?" I asked. "Why?"


"I can literally feel how terrified you are right now and like, it's me," he said warmly. Then he lifted our hands up together in front of our faces. "And...look at this. Feel this. You don't have anything to be scared of right now."


"Does...do you mean...like you...sometimes...you too?" I struggled to find what my question should even be.


"Of course, man," he said.


Suddenly my entire body just went nearly limp with relief. My head rushed. I started laughing. But for real. Like my body didn't know how else to let all the tension go. Todd laughed too, rocking into me a bit more.


"Fuck," I said, barely catching my breath. "Seriously?"


"Why the hell do you think I'm here right now?" he said through shaking laughter.


"I don't know, I thought we were just really good friends and...and you liked getting out of the city?"


"All true. But also, like, come on, I can rent a cabin," said Todd, still gripping my hand tight but then grabbing my arm with his other hand. "I'm here to be with you because it's you."


"I wouldn't have asked anyone else," I admitted. "Not here. It's too...special. But with you..."


"I know," he said. "And I'm fucking honored. I mean that. That you let me be here with you. It makes me feel like I really matter to you."


"So much," I said. "And that's also why it's always been hard to know what to do with...with this."


"We don't have to do anything with it," he said. "Or we can."


We can? Did he just say that?


"Like..." I started, trying to think of the perfect sentence to not completely fuck this up.


"How would it go?" he asked before I could say it wrong. "In your head, how would this go?"


I felt myself tense up again.


"Oh, shit, I don't know if I can do that," I said, wincing at the thought. "It's one thing to think it...but to say it? To you?"


"That's ok," he said, resting more fully against me and pulling me closer.


His free hand rested loosely on my leg and I nearly passed out. Thankfully, instead I just shifted a little to let him find a comfortable leaning position. We were quiet again for a bit.


"Would it be here?" he finally asked. "Whenever you thought about it?"

 

[bifurcation]

"Sometimes," I said quietly. "A lot of times."


"And was it like this?" he asked.


I genuinely laughed.


"No, Todd, even in my imagination it wasn't even within the realm of possibility that it would be like this."


"Ok but it is," he said thoughtfully, "so...what would happen?"


"Well, wait, what would you think would happen?" I asked, suddenly feeling like I had a way out of the spotlight.


"We're not talking about me right now," he said defiantly with a grin. "We'll get to that another time."


Another time? What the hell was happening?


"Well," I started, but I started quickly negotiating with myself over which details exactly I was willing to divulge.


I paused too long. He nudged me again.


"Something comfortable, slow, easy," I said carefully. "Maybe...maybe we had just gone for a hike or something and needed to shower and..."


I trailed off.


"And we found ourselves naked at the same time?" he finished.


I shrugged.


"And then we sit here," he continued, asking or telling or guiding me along. "Naked. Looking at each other for real. In a way we haven't yet but have always wanted to."


"Yeah?" I asked, stunned to hear him say it.


"Yeah," he said. "And then we're...just here, together, beside one another..."


"Yeah something like that," I said hurriedly, shifting a little more on the cushion, feeling the warmth of his body and breathing in his smell.


"It's kind of late for a hike," he said, looking up at me.


"Right," I said with a little laugh.


Quiet. Motionless. So close.


He stood up slowly from the couch, letting go of me and leaving me pressed into the cushions for a moment. For a second, I was terrified that he'd found the regret and restraint I was always afraid would emerge in a moment like this if it ever happened. But he turned and looked at me with a thoughtful smile that somehow stopped my spinning thoughts.


Todd walked slowly to the tall window and looked out over the wide landscape. I looked at his silhouette against the dusk sky--sleek and strong and firm. He looked so alive.


He turned back to face me. He just looked at me for a minute. My stomach felt tight and my heart was racing again.


He reached over and clicked on one of the floor lamps. The fire had burned down a lot more than I realized when I could suddenly see him more clearly in the warm glow of lamplight.


And then, in a single, sweeping motion, his arm came out of his sleeve as he threw his t-shirt to the floor.


He stood in front of me, shirtless, just looking at me and letting me look at him. His shoulders were as broad as ever, rounded and strong. His chest was firm and defined, dusted with dark hair. His pinkish nipples were slightly oblong, somehow both soft and hard and entrancing. The shadow of veins across his lean biceps trailed down his arms to his hands, which he just sort of held at his side for me to see. His tight, firm torso was also lined with dark hair that thickened around his navel and continued down the waistband of his underwear that peaked above his jeans. He had the slightest smile.


His hand extended. His fingers spread out and then curled quickly, beckoning me to join him. I stood up slowly, maybe not freaking out completely, but feeling somewhere between automated and possessed. I took a couple steps toward him before I tugged at my own shirt and far less gracefully pulled it off over my head.


"Shit, man, you look good," he said before I even threw the shirt aside. "You've put in so much work and it fucking shows. Wow."


"Seriously?" I said, kind of fidgeting on the spot. "I don't know, sometimes I--"


"Shut the fuck up," he said with a laugh as he shook his head.


He stepped toward me and reached up, his hand bumping against my own solid, hairy chest.


"Like, look at this," he said, palm spread wide and running through my chest hair. His fingertips found one of my nipples briefly and I inhaled sharply. He looked up at me with a little grin like he was making a mental note.


"Good?" I asked tentatively.


"So good," he said. "Really."


His hand ran over my stomach carefully. I pulled back a little.


"Sorry," I said quickly. "Still...still not used to that part being anything other than kind of unsightly."


"Yeah, but now," he said, slowly reaching back toward me. He looked at me with his eyebrows raised like he was just waiting for permission.


I took a breath and let him touch my stomach again.


"Yeah, this is really nice," he said quietly.


His fingers passed through the hair on my abs as well. I was barely used to those being a thing at all, and sharing them with him felt wild. And before I could stop myself, I saw my own hand rising up to meet his chest as well. My fingers found his hair and brushed it gently. He smiled and exhaled. I touched his nipple, pinched it lightly, and he twitched with pleasure for a moment.


Then he reached up with both arms and pulled me in close for a close, full hug that took my breath away.


Chest to chest. Shoulders against one another. Arms tight and strong and unwavering. I felt his stubble on my cheek, my neck. I held him too. Just as tight. Maybe more. Pressed our torsos together and just felt the warmth and bristle of his hair with my own. His hands were on my back, then lower, lower...his fingers were suddenly at my waistband. And mine were inching to his too. He buried his face in my neck for a moment and I got lost in his shoulder, just inhaling his whole presence as deeply as I could.


It was so quiet. Just our breaths at each other's ears for a moment.


"You ok?" Todd asked quietly.


"Yeah," I said. It was true. I felt safe. Held. Allowed.


"Do you...want me to keep going?" he asked.


"If...if you want...yeah," I breathed.


He leaned back slowly, looking me in the eyes while he did, not pushing me away but letting some space come between us for a moment. His arms slowly fell away too, but he never stopped looking back at me. With his eyes wandering all over me, his hand slowly came up to the button of his jeans.


I took a deep slow breath.


He gently popped the top of his jeans free and deliberately lowered the zipper. He pulled the opening wider, revealing his black boxer briefs that snuggly hugged against his tight waist and framed a slightly pronounced bulge. He let the jeans drop, then bent to the side to slightly pull his legs free. I watched his hairy abs flex and bend from one side to the other, the skin pinching a little as he did. He pulled his socks off with the pant legs and stood before me, just in his underwear.


He stopped. He let me look. Then his eyes flicked down to my own jeans and I froze.


"Do you..." he started.


"Oh, right, yeah, of course," I said quickly. My hands were shaking again, and I started to fumble with my own button fly. I didn't feel graceful like he always looked. But I tried to move deliberately, letting things drop and revealing my own gray boxer briefs.


Somehow, even with all this, I wasn't hard. I was tingling all over, but I was almost too overwhelmed to feel that version of arousal.


I stopped.


"Um..." I tried to speak.


"You good?" he said quietly as he looked over my own hairy legs and torso.


"So..." I started again. "The...the thing is, one of the reasons I'm a little...I can get kind of self conscious..."


"Everyone does, man," said Todd, shaking his head a little.


"Yeah but for me, one of the big things has always been," I started. He was going to find out. What difference did it make? "I'm kind of more of a...a grower."


He looked at me, eyebrows furrowed.


"Ok?" he offered with a shrug.


"Like it can be...it can be kind of extreme sometimes," I said. "Like when I'm really cold or...or...nervous...it can be kind of ridiculous how small it gets."


"That's fine," he said. "Is that it? Man, that doesn't matter at all."


"Ok, but right now...like when I...when I'm hard, it's good. It's fine. Just...just beforehand it makes me--"


His thumbs went to his waistband and pulled down his underwear completely as he kicked it aside.


Holy shit.


He was naked.


His cock was soft, too, but it was hanging down about four inches with his loose balls. His dark pubic hair spread above and around his dick generously, curling and framing evenly. His dark pink head leaned a little to the right and his sack cradled his shaft. I couldn't breathe.


"Sometimes my balls hang lower than I think looks good," he said, his hand slowly rising to cup them gently. "Like it's too saggy. Looks weird."


"N-no," I said hoarsely. "No, they're...they're perfect."


"Ok," he said. "So that's my thing, but you don't care. So it's fine."


I took a slow breath and carefully let my hands come to my own waistband. How could I let him just do this alone?


He smiled softly, nodded. It was ok.


I pushed my underwear down and stepped out carefully.


My penis wasn't completely shrunken thankfully, but it wasn't anywhere close to where I'd hoped. Maybe about two and a half inches, kind of pushed up and out over my balls, which felt a little tight, too. I looked down, through the thicket of pubes around and over and reached up to tug on my dick a little...just to try to help things relax.


"It's great," Todd said quietly. "Fuck, man. It's so good. Everything. It looks so good. You do. You're fucking hot."


He stepped forward again and his hand went up to my chest. It ran down over my stomach, brushing my hair gently. He came down to just above my pubic bone and his fingers spread across the hair there too.


My cock twitched. He looked up at me. Our eyes met.


"Ok?" he said.


I nodded.


He reached over and took my own hand and brought it over to his stomach. I ran my fingers over his abs while he did the same to me. We looked down at each other's bodies while we rubbed and felt. Our dicks were nearly touching. I could see that his had risen up from his scrotum slightly and wasn't leaning to the side so much anymore. That got mine moving a bit too. Suddenly I realized my two and half was over four and hanging down quite freely now. I sighed with relief.


"Wow," I said softly. "Todd, you're fucking gorgeous."


"Look who's talking," he said with a smile.


His hand was lower now, reaching the crease of my thigh near my sack. My dick jumped aggressively at that and was now starting to stand up and away from my body. When his hand suddenly cupped my balls I gasped a little and my cock shot up to its full six-and-a-half inches. I watched the head of my penis swell and pulse. Todd held my balls and even tugged gently down a little. That pulled my cock along as well and the tip of my dick bounced against his own growing shaft. He took a sharp breath, and I looked up at him, realizing he was also getting a bit lost in the moment. He looked into my eyes and smiled.


We looked back down. His cock had grown too, six inches and a little thicker than mine. Our pulsing erections were side-by-side now. Our hard, throbbing heads flared with small contractions as we stared down at them. I reached out slowly and found his balls with my hand too. Soft, loose, heavy. He exhaled deeply and I felt his breath bounce off my chest. He rubbed my right testicle and then the left in his fingers, gently rolling and swirling around them. I sighed. He sighed. We just stood there, feeling each other slowly.


"That's really nice," he said quietly. His left hand found my ass and started gently rubbing over and around my cheeks, brushing through the hair, cradling and lightly palming.


"That is too," I sighed. I let my own free hand mimic his. His skin was soft, but his ass was so firm, flexing ever so slightly as he reached and moved his hands and arms around me as well.


"Watching this change was pretty amazing," he said, and as he did his fingertips brushed over and around the ridge of the head of my cock.


I felt my mouth fall open and a small groan came out before I could have any hope of stifling it.


"Too much?" he said, his hand returning to just my balls.


"A lot," I said. "Not...not necessarily too much but...a lot."


"Why don't you show me?" he said softly.


I swallowed hard. He smiled, his white teeth peeking through his soft lips. He backed away from me again, his hard dick jutting out and slightly bouncing side to side as he stepped back and around. He lightly threw himself down on the couch, spreading his knees wide and letting his cock rest against his stomach while his balls hung low on the cushion beneath him.


I felt a bit exposed suddenly, standing there in front of him still, my own cock hard and protruding wildly. My balls were tighter against my body too; I could feel that. I looked him over, and he smiled up at me. His hand slowly traced over his own chest, stomach, thighs...then rested on his balls and pulled at them slowly and lightly. His cock bounced along, rising and falling with his motion. I just watched. His pecs flexed slightly as he moved. God. Like a fucking dream.


"Grab my bag," he said.


"Uh, what?" I asked, glancing down at his balls more intensely.


"No," he laughed. "No, that one."


He pointed to his backpack that was resting against the side chair.


"Oh, right, ok," I said, stepping carefully as my cock bounced in front of me. I picked up the black backpack and walked it over to him.


He stared at me with curled lips and wide eyes while I walked toward him.


"Fuck," he muttered, just looking me up and down while he took the backpack from my hands.


I smiled back a little sheepishly. I started to actually think maybe this guy liked what he saw when he looked at me. That was a new feeling.


Todd unzipped the front pocket and fished around for a second before pulling out a small clear bottle. He tossed the bag aside and held up what I realized was a bottle of lube.


"Brought it for myself," he said. "I thought, at least on my own, I wanted to be ready for a nice weekend. Well...maybe I had a feeling I wanted to be prepared for anything, to be honest."


"Mine's in my suitcase," I laughed, motioning toward the bedroom door behind us.


"Come on," he said, popping open the lid of the lube. He nodded to the open space on the couch beside him.


I came over and sat down. Our knees touched, and he shifted over closer and closer until our thighs were nearly overlapping.


"Here," he said, reaching over with the open bottle and drizzling the clear, slick liquid right on my dick. Before I could say anything, his hand reached out and wrapped around my shaft, turning and rubbing softly.


I gasped and stifled a moan as he twisted around my cock head.


"Yeah, that's my favorite too," he laughed, pouring lube on his own hard dick and wrapping his hand around himself with the same long, slow stroke. When he reached the ridge of his own swollen glans, he circled even more slowly and breathed loudly, humming out with the breath.


He held the lube out for me to add some to my own hand. I reached across and let him pour a little out. He added a little more to his hand. And then we methodically gripped our own cocks at their bases and started slowly pumping up and down. Back and forth. Deliberate and steady. Twisting a little at the tip. I'd never felt so hard in my fucking life. I couldn't take my eyes off of his rigid penis as he stroked. I could see that he was flexing with each motion, his cock head flaring a little more every time.


God this made my fantasies feel like they never came close. The truth of being there, together, like this, and seeing what he actually was made of--it all had my head spinning with pleasure.


"So good," he muttered quietly. I glanced up and realized he was just as transfixed by my own stroking.


His free hand found his balls and started pulling and rubbing while he stroked. I followed suit, finding my own balls were a little tight but they gave in to my grip and steady downward force.


"Yeah, man, feel them," he whispered. "Fuck, look at that."


I started to turn my hand more tightly and intensely right below the head of my cock, feeling it surge and expand as I did. Then I backed off. Down to the base of my shaft slowly. Then back up to do it again. The growing tension rising. I felt my ass clench a little, and I dropped my hand back down again.


"Shit, that looks awesome," said Todd. "Do you always edge like that?"


"Sometimes, yeah," I said. "Sometimes for a while, if I have the time. I--I don't know how long this will last today though."


I laughed lightly.


"We have all fucking weekend, man," Todd said earnestly.


I looked over at him, and he looked up at me. We smiled. Yeah. We had so much time. And this was barely beginning. I felt the truth of what had emerged just over the past hour. This wasn't a quick experiment. This was a genuine change, a step forward and through to something else.


"When you get right up under the head, do you feel it like..." said Todd breathlessly as his hand followed his own question. "Uh, mm....yeah like right...right under there, it's so intense."


I did it too, letting my thumb rub from my shaft up over the frenulum to the base of my head.


"Mm, uh, mhm," was all I could manage while I pushed and rubbed slowly.


"Fuck," sighed Todd, turning his hand around faster, making a small circle with his thumb and forefinger while he pumped rapidly right beneath his head before he exhaled heavily and let his hand drop back down to the base of his cock.


"That how you like to do it?" I asked with a smile.


"Yeah, man," he said, resuming a very slow, careful stroke. "I can only do that a few times though, haha."


"That was hot," I admitted. It was surprising to hear myself say it so plainly.


"Happy to oblige," he laughed as his hand kept gliding smoothly. "You're giving me quite a lot to go on, too."


Our eyes met again and we just stared for a moment, grinning, looking, seeing each other. Eventually his eyes fell back down across my body and to my slick, shimmering cock. I watched him looking at me. The smile faded into something else. Focus. Intent.


His hand lifted off of his balls and drifted across until it found my thigh. My abs flexed and my hips shifted when I felt his warm hand start to curve around and slowly reach the innermost portion of my leg, sliding up to stroke and massage between my balls and my thigh. My hand was still holding my sack snuggly, and our fingers brushed against each other, until I felt him slightly nudge my hand. I let go slowly, and his fingers followed behind mine quickly. Eagerly. He held my balls firmly as I stroked.


"Oh fuck," I whispered.


"Nice?" he asked.


"Fuck yeah," I sighed.


His hand pulsed gently, shifting my balls back and forth while I worked the head of my dick intently. I realized my hips were starting to thrust a little bit on their own. Then as he held my balls, I felt one of his fingers run down the center of my scrotum and underneath, finding its way below.


"Oh shit," I moaned as his fingers slowly pressed and traced my taint, lifting my balls with his palm at the same time.


"Better?" he asked, smiling as he watched me.


I looked at him and felt the pleasure overtaking my face. I might have been embarrassed to let him see me so caught up, but his own wide eyes and steady stroking made me feel like we were somewhere truly together. I reached over with my free hand and cupped his heavy, loose balls in my hand as well. His smile turned to an open mouth and his eyes went even wider


"Yeah, man," he breathed. "Fuck yeah."


I let my fingers find the same span of his perineum that he was rubbing on me and we just looked at each other deeply while we pumped with one hand, rubbed each other with the other, and let our hips glide up and down in sync with each other.


"I can't even begin to explain how long I've wanted to do this with you," Todd said softly as we kept our rhythm going.


"I bet I got you beat," I breathed out.

 

[bifurcation]

He laughed lightly through his quick breath


"Fuck, it's so good," he moaned. I felt his balls rising up and tightening slightly.


I watched his face. His eyes suddenly got transfixed on his own cock while he pumped and thrusted.


"Yeah...uh...yeah," he muttered.


His hand left my scrotum and quickly covered my own hand beneath his sack and pushed it harder against him. I let my fingers widen a bit to take hold of his swollen, rising balls, feeling them tighten more and more.


"Uh...don't...don't let...go," he breathed. His rhythm was getting faster and faster.


"Fuck yeah," I whispered.


He looked from his cock to my face. His eyes were wide. His mouth was open. His chest was heaving.


I let go of my cock for a moment to take his pec in my lubed-up hand while I cupped his balls with the other. I squeezed gently and pulled at his pink nipples.


"Oh god, oh shit," he groaned. His shoulders were tense, pulsing, flexing. His veins were pressing out in his chest and arms. His ass was pushing up off the couch a bit now.


His hand started rapidly pumping and swirling his engorged, darkening glans. I could feel the tension in his body cresting rapidly.


"Uh...mmm...uh...yeah...uh," he moaned over and over.


"Yeah, man," I whispered. "Go for it."


"Mmmm...." he hummed before going silent. He went a bit rigid. All of his strength and speed and force was being driven from his frantic fist right into his cock head.


And then.


"Oh fuck!" he yelled loudly.


He convulsed. A small, translucent spurt came out of the widened slit of his dick and landed in his pubes.


"Oh, UHHH!" he moaned even louder.


And then a massive jet of white cum shot straight up and landed across his abs.


He twitched again and a second, slightly smaller rope flew across his thigh.


"Ummmmmm....." he groaned as three more subtle pulses of cum oozed out over his cock less forcefully, lining his fingers as his stroking slowed and he settled back down into the couch.


I held his balls and chest while his breath heaved and slowed. His belly jerked again. He exhaled like he was releasing every bit of air he'd ever had in his lungs. His wet, coated hand held his cock lightly. I felt him lean heavily against me as I held him.


"Holy shit," he whispered into my neck.


His stubble and his wet lips made me sigh and suddenly remember my own throbbing cock. My hand returned to a slow, twisting motion on myself immediately. If my erection had subsided at all, suddenly it was in full force again.


"My god, man" he said, his face still buried in my neck. Suddenly I felt his lips linger there and his tongue flick out just below my bearded jawline.


"Ohhhh..." I heard slip out of my mouth as I felt him suck or kiss or lick or whatever the hell he was doing.


"Mmmm..." he hummed into my neck softly, breathing steadily as he pressed more and more against me.


His wet, cum-covered hand suddenly slid under my balls and pulsed over them while his mouth covered my neck over and over again. His drier hand came up and brushed over my pubes rapidly. I felt his breath through his nostrils as his lips continued to move all over.


My own strokes on the full length of my dick started getting tighter and more deliberate.


His left hand pulling on my scrotum. His right hand on my pubes, on my stomach, on my thigh, on my stomach again, on my chest. His fingers tenderly found my hard, protruding nipples and pulled with just enough tension to make me groan out loud again.


"Oh shit, Todd," I muttered.


"Yeah," he breathed into my neck.


"Uhhhhhh....uhhh...uh..." I moaned. The heat of his body beside mine was consuming.


Suddenly he jumped up and got down on his knees between my legs.


I slowed what had become a slightly furious pace on my dick. The tight, trim ripple of his muscles along his shoulders and back held me transfixed as his hands rested on my knees. His long, strong fingers caressed them slowly and all I could hear was our steady breathing and the soft rubbing of his palms on my hairy skin.


He sat up high and leaned forward, taking both my nipples in his hands, pinching and pulling gently but intensely. He was looking into my eyes in a way I had never seen his face before. Focused. Maybe even overtaken. No one had ever looked at me like that before.


He was...just...so fucking incredible.


"Keep going," he said softly. "Let me see you do it."


Our eyes still locked and I slowly resumed my steady strokes. His eyes wandered all over and his hands ran down my entire torso until they brushed idly through the hair on my thighs. His smile was one of absolute delight and support.


I cradled my own balls while I pumped and twisted. He reached back up and carefully took hold of my nipples again with that wild, entranced look.


"Uhhh--oh--uh," I moaned quicker and quicker.


"Come on, man, yeah," he whispered. "Come on. You're so fucking hot. I can't take my fucking eyes off you."


His breath was matching my own heaving pecs as he leaned forward more.


His hands raced down my chest and stomach until they suddenly mapped right over my own hands, on my balls, on my cock. There was so much deliberate control in his hands as we moved together. He pushed and pressed until I just naturally let go and let him take over.


He looked delighted to have me to himself.


When his hand wrapped around my cock, I felt like I was going to explode immediately.


Not yet. Oh shit, I need this to last forever.


His strokes mimicked my own, twisting and squeezing right below the plump purplish head of my completely engorged cock.


I felt my jaw slacken. My hands clenched the cushion on either side of me as I just watched him jerk me steadily, his fingers on my balls and taint, gently guiding me further. My hips were thrusting wildly--far beyond anything I'd ever let myself do on my own.


"Your body is incredible," said Todd, staring into my eyes as he pulled and pressed me with complete control.


I could see his flexing forearms and the smooth, slick rhythm of his manly fingers moving over and around my cock head. He was so powerful.


"Yeah, yeah, oh...oh shit," I whispered before suddenly all words and voice completely abandoned me.


I couldn't breathe.


I couldn't speak.


I couldn't take it.


My whole body felt like it was being pulled out through my cock.


For a moment it was like the room disappeared and Todd was the only thing in the universe, holding me, pleasing me, giving freely to me while also finding endless pleasure in me as well. I was totally seen. Naked. And yet perfectly safe and in his protection.


And then.


Wordlessly, silently.


I lurched forward, then back against the couch as an enormous burst of thick, white cum exploded from my cock, audibly splattering against my chest.


"Oh--oh SHIT! OH FUCK!" I practically screamed when suddenly I felt like I had breath and words again.


Todd looked delighted as he kept pumping rapidly. I twitched and jerked back and forth abruptly. My cock kept surging and pumping cum all over his firm grip.


"I--I can't--" I breathed and heaved. He smiled wildly and then bit his lip with amazement as he watched me thrash until he finally slowed and let me fall completely into the couch.


His hands stayed on me.


Held my cock.


Gently massaged my scrotum.


Stared at me as I peeled my brain off the ceiling and back into my body.


He looked at me--deeply, kindly, happily


"Oh my god," I sighed heavily, collapsing even more.


"Yeah," he said. "Wow..."


He just softly held me, motionless for a moment. My head rocked a little as our eyes stayed locked on one another.


He slowly rose up from his knees, arching back and pushing himself up off the floor.


My body hummed, even as I could barely move. But he was there, exposed, his dick limp but not completely flaccid, dripping slightly with clear fluid that strung across to his leg. His hands were coated with cum--both of ours. His thick, lush pubes were wet and matted with the remnants of his own pleasure that I was already replaying in my mind. I couldn't look away. And neither could he.


We breathed. We watched each other.


"I can't believe it," I said softly, feeling my cock finally starting to slowly descend and my balls relax.


He smiled, but it looked tight and controlled for a moment.


"Can...can you come here?" he asked a little timidly.


I looked up at his statuesque form, and saw the vulnerable look on his face. I stood up quickly and stepped toward him.


He reached out and grabbed my wrist and pulled me emphatically toward himself, catching me in a full, deep embrace. Our arms wrapped around each other, wet torsos pressing together, softened dicks rubbing into each other's balls, faces against one another and hands gripping tightly as we all but merged together for a moment.


Todd leaned back a little for a second, and his palm went up to his eye quickly. I realized he was wiping off the beginning of a tear.


"Oh shit, are you--" I started


"I'm okay," he cut in. "I'm better than... way better than ever." He smiled and laughed a little, shaking slightly in my arms.


He pressed back into me.


Our firm, hairy bodies entangled, standing naked in the middle of the room, we held each other and just breathed for a moment.


He sighed heavily.


I breathed him in again and again, clutching and gently rubbing his back while our warmth radiated into each other.


I felt his heartbeat against my own chest. Finally we were still and close enough for that.


He leaned his head on my shoulder like he had now all night. It felt like where it belonged.


"Ok, now we can eat," he laughed softly into my ear.

 

[PouletAuPoivre]

Oh, this is goooooooood ...

Thanks!

 

[bifurcation]

Oh, this is goooooooood ...

Thanks!

Thank you! I appreciate it. It was meaningful and personal to write and explore. Happy it resonated with someone else, too!

 

[PouletAuPoivre]

Is it over? Or is there more to come?

 

[bifurcation]

Is it over? Or is there more to come?

I have a feeling I’ll be returning to this one.

 

[Aubc15]

This is so good and underrated please keep doing more. Make them kiss

 

[bifurcation]

This is so good and underrated please keep doing more. Make them kiss

Thanks for the encouragement! I have some ideas…

 

[Chilldan]

Wow!

 

[louparis10]

How sweet the first contact between these two men is!
Not even a kiss. Just their eyes, their bodies against each other, and their hands.
Full gay erotica!

 

[jordanzirba]

This really hits home...wow...

 

[NakedBuddy]

Spectacular, man. Really great writing. And like the poster above said, it really hits home...

 

[bifurcation]

Spectacular, man. Really great writing. And like the poster above said, it really hits home...

Thanks so much! It means a lot to know it resonates with others.

 

[NakedBuddy]

Thanks so much! It means a lot to know it resonates with others.

I hope there's a new installment in the works!

 

[friesb4guys]

This was so hot to read but most of all, I really like your style of writing, @bifurcation. Thanks a lot! Hopefully, there'll be sequels.

 

[bifurcation]

This was so hot to read but most of all, I really like your style of writing, @bifurcation. Thanks a lot! Hopefully, there'll be sequels.

Thank you so much! I appreciate the feedback. I spend a lot of my time writing professionally in my career, and this isn’t an application for my skill set I’ve ever really let myself explore before this. But I’ve been doing a lot of inner work to integrate my bisexuality into a more holistic sense of self, and this felt like an important thing to try. And this story in particular was a really deep-work exploration of desire and fantasy in a way that has been quite meaningful and fruitful for me personally. That it hits with other people means a lot too, especially because I feel like my experience up until now with male-centered erotica has actually been quite underwhelming. It generally lacks the level of narrative care/immersion and emotional honesty that I find that I want in the space of desire and arousal. I’ve been finding there are many other guys looking for the same thing and this aligns with something they didn’t even know they were looking for. I don’t know that I even understood that I was looking for it until now. And also there seem to be plenty folks who really aren’t into it and find this style quite annoying or frustrating. Not my people.

Anyway, all this to say, thank you, and working on more…

 

[PouletAuPoivre]

my experience up until now with male-centered erotica has actually been quite underwhelming. It generally lacks the level of narrative care/immersion and emotional honesty that I find that I want in the space of desire and arousal.

There are other stories like that around. There are some other good ones here; there are some quite good ones at JustUsBoys and GayDemon, and there are more in the gay stories subreddits at Reddit.